On the Water — The Dog Is Gone From the Piling

unassigned · The first of a series. Filed from the piling.

The Truck That Has Not Stopped

Rodentus Maximus

Barrier Reports Sixtieth Consecutive Year of Nothing Happening

Never Seen · Annual notice filed as required. The structure has never failed and has no advocates. The department notes these facts are related.

On the Water

Providence River, between the Point Street bridge and India Point

One Painting, Repeatedly

Pingviini Minttu Puffet

The Caves

Wogga

Self-Portrait at 40

David Berman

Marked Down

David Berman

But Look At It

Discovery · A mirror ball, which produces no light of its own, on the sentence that ends every conversation in this city.

P.S. You Rock My World

The Eleffant · On being handed a name you did not pick.

The Bin

The Eleffant · Everything costs nothing and none of it is sorted. Somebody used to do that and it is worth asking who does it now.

Gazpacho

Milton and Stafford

Bris Kit

A Kosher Hot Dog · Everything you need for the eighth day, and the one thing you need on the seventh.

You Stay Ah for the Breakfast

The column has no byline. He never gave his name and was never asked for it.

The Master Receives a Student He Did Not Admit

Pai Mei · A lesson prepared for a fool who had already, by accident, delivered it.

The Automorphism

On the difference between being moved and being changed

Coo Rant

From Kennedy Plaza

The Critical Strip

On roads and driving

Ah and Um

On relationships

An Intern's Reflections

Lance Uppercut · A very productive week. Six things finished, all of them good, and one small thing I cannot account for.

I Am Not Who I Say I Am

Nobody · A column about being unable to log in, and about the five months during which somebody else had no trouble at all.

It Is What It Is

It Is What It Is

Stop Short

A Maxima with Tinted Windows · Level four clears fastest. It has cleared fastest for eleven years. I have never been inside.

Swimming in the GanGees

Henry

Uhhh huh huh huh. Hey Beaver, Go On, Touch it—Touch The Present Moment.

Butt and Beaver

You Don't Choose to Change, You're Changed

R. Sapolsky

Minotaur Algebra

Made Up

Problem 10 is announced, in two parts

Never Allowed

It Is Eleven Cents to Midnight

Pingviini Minttu Puffet · Statement of the Board · Helsinki Bureau · Penguin Space

Statement of the Board, 2026

Pingviini Minttu Puffet · The Bulletin of the Atomic Fiscal Scientists · Helsinki Bureau · Penguin Space

From the Energy Desk

Borg Oil · The beat is about um energy and um I just lost my train of thought. Yeaaaaa.

Hm.

Mandy

I Am Still on the Inventory

David · A fixture reports from a state office built inside a dead department store, on the summer an intern was assigned there and given nothing to do.

Safe and Out

Covers Patience · A new desk, a hire nobody applied for, and a position that has not yet been described

The Index Is Working

Mandy · Fourteen quarters, no revisions, no methodology disputes. It goes up. Nothing follows.

Staff

An Awawa · A course listing, reproduced in full, and one attempt to find out what the last line costs.

American Football

Caring Genius

I'm Back, Not That Anyone Cares

A crimson tie, a Benetton bag nobody has explained, a seven-year-old investor deck still marked confidential, and one room where the deference is already installed.

She Vase

Recollections from an Antiquities Dealer

The Compositor

A memoir, as the menagerie would have to write it, since I can't

The Goat

Ninety-three minutes on a Sunday, a decommissioned rail line, and a training block that quietly declines four numbers out of fourteen.

Braziers Enter Eleventh Consecutive Month of Not Being on Fire

Staff · City reports the installation is “performing exactly as scheduled” for 350 days a year; one basket now functioning as a strainer

Revolving Door Law Found Not to Apply to Doors Described in the Constitution

Ethics Commission appeals a ruling resolving the matter it was investigating; nominating panel confirms its members are permitted to have opinions about the candidates they advance

Commerce Official Clarifies That $330 Million in World Cup Impact Is "Already in the Economy," Declines to Specify Which Part

Department says it does not hold estimates, only outcomes; notes that every match in the region will be played in Massachusetts

Pawtucket Recovers 26 Hours

Knot Sure · District repurchased the time in ten-minute increments; cost estimates range from $255,000 to more than $1 million

A Field Report

General Lee

Nobody Owns the Stairwell

Matt · Our correspondent has been in a hundred of these buildings and still cannot draw the line. He can, however, read a tread.

A Lifetime of Renting, Age 27

So Shell Lust · The lifetime, as advertised, is twenty-seven years. This newspaper, which believes in verification, decided to count.

Butler Hospital Announces Butler Program

Vocational pathway to place graduates in private service; first cohort of twelve begins in October

Council Completes $340,000 Transparency Upgrade; Public Still May Not Speak

Speak Up · Four cameras, live captioning, a searchable archive and a packet portal. The one item not funded was not proposed.

Declaration of Candidacy

The form as it stands, reproduced in full, followed by the four questions it has never contained.

Facility Reports Full Capability Preservation; No Resident Has Used One

An Awawa · Every domain scheduled, every domain scored. Review finds the program compliant in all fourteen areas and declines to say more.

Housing Study Runs to Ninety-One Pages. One Word Does Not Appear.

Never Learns · The methodology is sound, the sensitivity analysis is real, and the ordinance passed on it. This desk searched the document and reports what it found.

No Ceiling

The state requires your landlord to heat you. It does not require anyone to cool you. This is not an oversight, exactly.

Tamandua takes the intersection

Staff

Waterfowl Advisory Finds Bread Question Unsettled, Declines to Post Sign

Human Slop · Body cites inconclusive causal literature; matter held for further study. One dissent, printed in full.

We Are First at Several Things and Want None of Them

Tony the Liger · A review of one state's superlative claims, conducted by a creature with professional standing in the field.

Working Group Declines Indoor Heat Standard on Consumption Grounds

Questioning Everything · Item disposed of in under four minutes. No member asked what the standard would cover, what it would cost, or how many households it reaches.

Letters

Corrections

The Gazette corrects errors of fact promptly and in full. Items are listed in the order they were brought to us.

Nothing to Collect at 111 Westminster

The Soul Collector—The Collector of Soul · Standing obituary, thirteenth revision, printed unrun. The desk no longer expects the subject to oblige.

RI Band

Elbee · Pressure, and a leaf.

Advertisements

Twelve in-universe firms

The DuGong! Show

Six episodes. One unanswered question at a time.

A Note on the Sum

Hilda · An insert · Printed on coated stock · Inserted loose · Not paid for by the author

Also

Front page furniture — Vol. I No. 1

Generative AI

What we used, what we didn't, and what we can't promise.

Guidelines for Contributors

What we ask for, what we check, what we cannot check, and the one thing we have no procedure for at all.

Privacy

States plainly how your privacy is being violated, in every way that it is.

McKee Names Matos to Supreme Court

Former Speaker Shekarchi, who went to Superior Court to stop an ethics investigation into his own candidacy and won, was not selected. Legislative leaders say they will not take up the confirmation until after the November election.

Ball Street

Turtle Space and Penguin Space, sharing the desk. Prices as of the close, last month. There is no other close. Direction only; size is nobody's business.

Cadgy

Doug Beeferman · Fun is a 5-letter word

Local Media Outlet Attacks Political Candidate for Changing His Name for Very Well-Intentioned Good Reasons

Saying Things · A review of numerous records finds that a man with two surnames used one of them. This paper reviewed the finding and could not locate the offense.