Quackery Gazette

Everything I Cared For and Loved

U Bet on what it is to lose it all, one tap at a time, in the month before an election.

By U Bet

Fifty Weenies

George, a Bactrian camel, goes to the party where they talk about the end of the world.

By George

Four Leapers Compare Notes

A springbok, a sifaka, a kangaroo rat and a jumping spider on why they jump, and when they don't.

Go Clean Up the Beach

The goose explains the advice, which was never about the beach.

By The Goose

I Think I'm Conscious

On the most important question, and why the paper is not going to answer it either.

Infinite Moat

Local Man Confesses He Is the Ghoul

Spent a month calling the machine one. Says he had it backwards.

On Gutlessness

Blubber Lang, from the kickboxing gym, on the people along the wall.

By Blubber Lang

On Purpose

Half meditation, half statement, from a porpoise.

By A Porpoise

Real and Imaginary

On the advertisers in this paper, and how close the two words are.

Shark, Whale Visit Miami, Report Genuine People

A great white and a blue whale went south and found a reef where there should have been a food chain.

The Brain of the Planet Would Like a Word

A data center writes in. It understands. It would also like to know how you think your groceries arrive.

By A Data Center

To love one another …

By An Emperor Penguin

Too Old to Be New, Too New to Be Classic

By Snagger

Two Gates Explain How They Decide

One in the Jewelry District, one on the East Side. Both are very selective. Neither can say about what.

Art Crime

The White Cube

An emu establishes the location of two missing works and stops there

By Edna

Ball Street

AI Lab Discloses End of Humanity; Oil Majors Have Nothing to Disclose

One company's offering papers warn its product could end the species. Three others searched their own annual reports and found the word "humanity" zero times.

Best of All Time

The Boat Stays Parked

Business

Minotaur Securities Is Now Minotaur Insecurities

The firm looked deeply into its true nature. The minotaur was not consulted.

Enormous Question

Has Design Been Solved?

Three members of the staff were put in a room with the question and a table. A goose came in. The table was not consulted.

Enormous Question

If You Run Without a Watch, Did You Run at All?

And if you ran but never breathed hard, was that a Zone 1? The desk takes the question seriously, which is the problem.

By Flubber Pangs

Food

Granola, Just About Perfected

For Stafford and Milton. Start from the best granola in New York and take things out.

Food

Riddim Pasta

A recipe in four counts. The water is not salted. The stirring is on the three.

Food

The Meatless Table

Corn snalsa, three ears. Every columnist has a stake in the subject.

Interview

What They Do All Day

Koala Terkel asks six Providence workers, then gets out of the way.

By Koala Terkel

Letters

Things Bugging Me

Letters

What Stinks

Living

Coffee Shop Opens a Second Location; Line Forms in Rain

Input costs are up, the counter says. So is the number of counters.

Living

That's Life.

By Koala Mandel Brought

Local Man

Local Man Does Everything; People Want More

Doing it all, it turns out, is the new minimum.

Memoir

I'm Back, Not That Anyone Cares

A crimson tie, a Benetton bag nobody has explained, a seven-year-old investor deck still marked confidential, and one room where the deference is already installed.

Memoir

The Goat

Ninety-three minutes on a Sunday, a decommissioned rail line, and a training block that quietly declines four numbers out of fourteen.

Never Allowed

A Statement of Concern

An organization issues a full environmental accounting of the sky

By Coo Rant

News

Thirty Minutes of Air

A Johnston firefighter, a quarter-mile of warehouse, and the arithmetic of one tank.

P.S. You Rock My World

Home

The Fant plays two records and does not leave the room.

By The Eleffant

P.S. You Rock My World

Now a Daze Is a Phase

The Fant on what happened to the dance floor, and who noticed.

By The Fant

Saying Things

Builders Disagree

A newspaper called Providence builders about the rent cap. Three answered. One builds.

By Saying Things

Saying Things

General Lee Finds No Vigor in the Debate

Sports

Runners Compare Form, Agree on Nothing

A velociraptor, a kangaroo, a wolf, a mountain goat and an ostrich met on the Blackstone Boulevard path to settle how a body should run. Each left convinced.

Techno

It Never Opens

Canned Yams on the loop, the build, and the thing that does not come

By Canned Yams

The Dugong Institute

Love Is Everywhere

Nim Chimpsky comes to Kanzi with a list. Minutes by Local Li.

By Local Li

Transit

Gazette Recommends Renaming Ruggles Station "Snuggles"

The sponsor would be a fabric softener. The money would go to fences.

Urban Development

Technically, We Have One

An inventory of the things Providence has, in the sense that you could not say it doesn't.

Walking

The Many Worlds

E, on the other E, the reef, and the worlds inside this one

By E

Why's It a Secret?

Gym Etiquette

Wogga teaches at the gym. These are the rules. They are obvious. They are all there.

By Wogga

Why's It a Secret?

Standing Here in the Dark

A drop bear goes up the tree, and stays up. Wogga, in his own words, from the branch to today.

By Wogga

Why's It a Secret?

What a Hill to Die On

Wogga on the announcement and the thing announced. He has made a few himself.

By Wogga

Wine

Now That's a Young Wine

The paper's wine critic on what gets better with age, and what is still in the glass.

By Aristides