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Quackery Gazette

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Parks Official Clarifies That Unbroken 400-Foot Line of Plastic Bottles Along Seawall Is Simply “Where the Granite Ends”

Deputy director notes crews mow to within eighteen inches of the transition zone weekly, and have never been instructed to look down

STAFF

Addressing reporters Tuesday from a section of riverwalk he described as “one of our showpieces,” Department of Parks and Recreation deputy director Wayne Tolliver clarified that the continuous band of plastic bottles, crushed cans, foil wrappers and cigarette packaging running the full length of the seawall was not litter but rather “where the granite ends and the water starts.”

“People get confused because it’s a straight line,” said Tolliver, standing eighteen inches from a Gatorade bottle wedged in the riprap. “That’s just the transition zone. Every waterfront’s got one. You’ll notice we keep the lawn right up to it.”

Tolliver, who has overseen riverfront maintenance since 2019, said crews mow the adjacent green weekly and have never once been instructed to look down.

“I’ve walked this stretch a thousand times,” he said. “Never seen a bottle.”

Pressed on the debris raft accumulated at the base of a floating dock, Tolliver identified it as “a natural feature” and noted that the tire visible within it had likely been placed there by the river.

He added that the department had reviewed the matter thoroughly and could produce documentation on request.

The remarks came days ahead of the department’s 14th Annual Riverfront Excellence Gala, a black-tie awards event held on the pedestrian bridge forty feet above the water, beneath a municipal banner reading PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND — COME SEE US SOMETIME! Honorees are traditionally seated facing the skyline. The banner faces the same direction.

Last year’s Stewardship Award went to the river itself.

This year’s ceremony will include a citation issued to a resident flock of Canada geese for improper disposal of household waste, after inspectors found the birds standing directly in it.

“We’re not saying they put it there,” said code enforcement officer Denise Aguiar. “We’re saying they’re the ones we can find.”

Asked whether the geese had been given notice, Aguiar confirmed that a violation notice had been posted at the waterline, where it remains.

At press time, Tolliver was unable to explain the presence of an inflatable dachshund tethered to a piling in the middle of the channel, but confirmed that removing it fell outside his department’s jurisdiction, the harbormaster’s jurisdiction and the state’s, and that it had therefore been logged as “existing condition.”


Braziers Enter Eleventh Consecutive Month of Not Being on Fire

City reports the installation is “performing exactly as scheduled” for 350 days a year; one basket now functioning as a strainer

STAFF

The forty-odd steel cressets moored along the river have now gone eleven months without being lit, a figure the city characterized Tuesday as “on plan.”

“They’re not broken,” a spokesman said. “They’re between lightings.”

Officials confirmed that one basket near the Steeple Street span has accumulated a raft of sticks, a plastic bottle and an unidentified sheet of gold-colored material, and is currently the most productive piece of equipment in the fleet.

Asked what it was producing, the spokesman said the department did not track that.

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