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Quackery Gazette

Providence, Rhode Island — Brown University's toilet. Come see us sometime!

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TideBringing it back
Page One The River Issue I

The River

NEVER SEENINFRASTRUCTURE

Barrier Reports Sixtieth Consecutive Year of Nothing Happening

Annual notice filed as required. The structure has never failed and has no advocates. The department notes these facts are related.

This notice is filed annually and is not required to be read.

The barrier is in service. All three river gates operate. Each is forty feet across and weighs fifty-three tons and takes about half an hour to bring down, which is a fact the department includes every year because it is the only interesting thing in the document.

Behind the gates there are two hundred and eighty acres. In front of them there is the bay.

The structure was authorised after the city flooded twice in sixteen years, in 1938 and again in 1954, and was finished in 1966. It was designed against a surge more than two and a half times the size of the 1938 event, which is to say it was built by people who had recently watched the water come up Westminster Street and had decided to overcorrect.

It has never been tested to that design. It has also never failed.

In 1991 it held against about four feet. In 2012 it held against seven point six above mean sea level, which is the largest thing it has been asked to do, and it was not close. The gates come down three to six times in an average year now, increasingly not for hurricanes but for high tides that used to be ordinary and are not any more.

Each time, nothing happens.

The department wishes to be precise about that, because the phrase is doing more work than it looks. Nothing happens is the output. It is the entire product. There is no photograph of it, no ribbon, no figure in any budget document that says what did not flood, and no resident of the two hundred and eighty acres who woke up aware of having been spared. Success here is indistinguishable from a quiet night, and it is deliberately so, and it is a catastrophe for the paperwork.

The department has been asked, more than once, what the barrier is worth. It does not know how to answer. The honest answer is a list of things that did not occur, and a list of things that did not occur cannot be put in a column and added up. It can only be believed or not believed.

This is not a complaint about funding. Three million dollars went into repairs recently, including a million and a half on road plates and the hydraulics that run the sewer gates, and the work was done and done properly. The department records its thanks.

It is a complaint about constituency.

Every other structure in this city has people who care about it, and they care because it has done something to them. The bridge is late, the road is closed, the building is empty, the trash was not collected. Attention follows grievance. The barrier has produced no grievance in sixty years because it has never once let anything through, and so it has no constituency at all, and the department has come to understand that these two facts are the same fact.

An asset that works perfectly and silently is the hardest thing in this line of work to keep. Not because anyone opposes it. Because there is no one to be for it.

The department notes, without recommendation, that it will remain in this condition until the day it fails, at which point it will acquire a constituency immediately, and that this is the only mechanism available to it.

The gates are down as this is filed. There is a tide.

Nothing is happening.

Never Seen covers infrastructure. This notice appears annually and this is the first time it has appeared anywhere.